Loving Her Right Now, Hurt Enough
by eloquentgraffitti
Summary: Jackson tries his utmost to stay away from April, but watching her be a mentor to Shane when the intern needs it the most only makes him fall for her more. Set sometime after 10*03.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy, nor it's characters.**

Jackson watched surreptitiously out of the corner of his eye while a certain red head bounced into the bar, sat herself down next to a miserable looking Shane, and promptly ordered herself a gin and tonic. He moved a couple bar stools closer to the pair, and leaned in a bit more to listen in to their quiet chatter. Jackson wasn't ashamed to admit it, he was curious. He had overheard a conversation between the intern and his former girlfriend this morning and it had gone a little something like this:

"Look, Shane I don't know what happened between Heather and you, but I know it has something to do with Shephard, and it probably has everything to do with you not logging in any more hours in Neuro since Heather was alive…"

"Dr. Kepner, I-"

"You've been logging in the most hours with me so far Shane. And that's fine, nothing wrong with that, but you did the bare minimum in Ortho, Paeds and Plastics, and I just found out that you've been switching with some of your friends who've been assigned to me the past couple weeks so you can be in Trauma."

"Yes, Dr. Kepner, because I _love_ trauma..."

Jackson had watched as April sighed, looking at Shane as if she was trying to read his mind.

"No, you don't, Shane." She had said slowly. "You love _learning_, yes. And you'll work your hardest wherever you are placed because I know you want to be the best you can be. And I love that about you, I love that you're dedicated, but you, Shane Ross, do not _love_ trauma."

Shane had opened his mouth to argue, but April had barreled on, and Jackson had put away the patient file he had been working on to listen to them some more. He was waiting for Stephanie because she had been placed under his service, but he still had about 15 minutes until she got out of a different surgery she had been assigned to. And this conversation was getting increasingly interesting.

"Your heart's not in it Shane" April had said softly. "And I know that because _my_ heart was in it. When I was an intern, I was eager and enthusiastic in all the specialties we were assigned to, but when it came to trauma, I didn't even have to try. It was magic. It was what I loved, and it came so effortlessly, and I just immersed myself in it so much that there were times when I would just forget about everything else until Dr. Hunt forced me to leave the ER and go home for the night. And that's just...that's not you Shane."

Shane had ducked his head, his eyes downcast.

"I've reassigned you to Shepherd's service today. Something tells me that that's where your heart is, and you'll be doing a huge disservice to yourself if you avoid it for some silly reason..."

"_It's not silly!"_ Shane had burst out.

For a second there Jackson had seen the young intern's eyes flash dangerously, and had had to stop himself from stepping forward to berate the kid. It wasn't his place, he knew, and April had had the situation under control, but seeing Shane lash out at her like that had made his hackles rise.

But he had chosen to stand back and watch as April raised her eyebrows, and Shane had faltered.

"I- I'm sorry, Dr. Kepner, I just...look, just for today, can I be on your service? I'm not saying what you're saying isn't true, I'm not saying Neuro isn't what I love, but...as far as mentors go, you're the one. You care. Not that the other attendings don't, but...you go the extra mile they wouldn't. And it shows. Everyone calls you the dud and I know you know that, but you are the farthest thing from one. Thing is though, only an intern who is in need the most would ever admit to it. All the other interns like to make fun of you, but who do you think we come running to whenever any of us gets in trouble?

Jackson had smiled, something akin to pride filling his soul as April had blushed adorably at what Shane was implying.

"Yang is great, she'll make us work and I have no doubt that she can eventually make us into a shark like she is. But that's just what she is, a shark. You can't go to her. Karev, well, he only seems to care about Jo. Dr. Grey...she'd be great if she hadn't been so preoccupied with her baby lately, and Avery, -"

Jackson had pricked up his ears as he prepared himself to hear what Shane had to say about him. He had been sure it would be something like "He's too busy with the board and his fellowship…" But what had come out of Shane's mouth was:

"I don't even think he cares enough to know us by our individual names, apart from Stephanie."

And that had stung. Jackson had watched April's eyebrows shoot up in amusement and he had bristled at the comment, although he hadn't been able to stop himself from feeling a slight pinch of shame as his own brain had acknowledged the partial truth in that statement. He really hadn't had all that time to memorize a lot of the interns' names, although he knew of a few just by listening to Stephanie talk about them. But the reason hadn't been because he wasn't interested in teaching them. Well, he wasn't sure, maybe it was. He had taught Stephanie a bit here and there, but he just didn't see himself as the teaching type. Plus, he _did_ have the board and his fellowship to worry about…

"So...please?" Shane had had a pleading look on his face, and Jackson had watched as April had sighed, even though a pleased smile had played about her lips.

"Ok, but on one condition. Tomorrow, you're back on Shepherd's service. And you are going to tell me about whatever it is that is bothering you today."

"But-"

"No arguments Shane, or you go back to Shepherd right now."

They had walked off to the ER then, and Stephanie had showed up right after, so Jackson hadn't had a chance to hear what actually had been bothering the intern. He had tried to press Stephanie for more information, but the girl had honestly had no idea what he had been talking about so he hadn't pushed the matter.

And now, here they all were at the bar. Him sitting a few feet away from the woman who had been plaguing his thoughts for the past six months, unable to tear himself away from the conversation that was ensuing between her and some intern.

Jackson leaned in even closer as April's voice took on a heated tone with Shane, his eyebrows shooting up as he listened to what April was saying.

"No, I didn't get Shepherd shot! Of course I didn't, but when you're terrified and in shock and after you've spent about 15 minutes soaked in your best friends blood because you just happened to trip over her dead body and land on top of her, your mind can't help but jump to stupid, irrational, completely illogical conclusions, and you wind up blaming yourself for something that had nothing to do with you. And then you have some time to think about it, and maybe go for some therapy, because really, all you needed was some good sense knocked into you and you realize how unfair you've been to yourself."

Shane looked down at his drink, a saddened expression on his face.

" Look, it happens, Shane. Trauma, best friends dying on us, whether by electrocution or by bullets, blaming yourself because you happened to be competitive enough to pull some harmless tricks on her, or because you happened to walk outside when you were told to stay in, which just happened to provoke the shooter enough for him to pull the trigger on your chief. I'm not saying what you did to get ahead of Heather wasn't mean. Believe me it was mean, especially since she hadn't done anything to you, and I've been on the receiving end of those tricks too many times to count. But I think the common thread here is that you didn't do it on purpose. _I_ didn't do it on purpose. If you'd known she was going to get electrocuted, would you have let her go? If I'd known me walking out would unnerve the shooter enough for him to pull the trigger, would I have walked out? No. Neither you nor I would have done what we did. The point is that we had no idea. And I know you feel guilty, I know you feel responsible, but that's because you're human and you're built to have a conscious. But you need to know where to draw the line. You need to know when to separate your guilt from self destruction. You need to know that you don't _have_ to do anything to punish yourself. That guilt you that you carry around on your shoulders, that weighs you down every day, the thought of that girl in your mind right when you wake up and before you go to bed every night? That's your punishment. That's your burden. And that's plenty. It'll take time. You will get over it, you will learn to find peace, and you will realize everything I said just now is true."

April hopped off her stool.

"You're talented Shane. You'll make a great surgeon. If you give up now, if you let go, think of how many lives you'll be passing up on saving. She lost her life, yes. But let her loss of life mean something and buckle up and get to work. Do it for her, if you can't do it for yourself."

Jackson watched in awe as April gave Shane a soft smile before walking towards the exit, watched as Shane called her back, watched as she turned around. His heart started to thud harder in his chest as he saw her pale face completely for the first time today. He had been stealing sideways glances at her the whole day, not wanting to make eye contact with her because he knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to stop himself from going up to her and asking if she was okay.

But god, the woman amazed him sometimes. What she had told Shane about the guilt... it resonated with him so completely as he thought about the way April must view her own guilt about having given her virginity to him. Why can't she realize the same truth herself? That she couldn't let it destroy her life? That she needed to find peace?

Or has she?

Jackson frowned.

That conversation would have to wait for another day.

Jackson shook himself to concentrate on what Shane was saying.

"You know what I said about you being the one? The one who truly cares?"

April cocked her head, looking inquisitive, and Jackson's heart squeezed at how child-like and innocent she looked at that moment. God, and she looked so kissable.

"This is what I meant. This is why. This is why I placed myself on your service. Thank you. Neuro might be my favorite but it won't stop me from wishing that it was taught by you, because as far as mentors go, you're it, Dr. Kepner. You're as good as it gets. It can't get any better. So never, never allow it to get to you whenever we call you the dud, because you know we mean the exact opposite."

Jackson couldn't help it. If he hadn't thought that Shane would think it straight up weird, he would have stood up, covered the distance between himself and the intern in two strides and kissed the kid right then and there. The look of pride that had crossed April's face when Shane had said those words...he just...he had to admit he didn't know this kid's last name yet, but he was definitely committing not just his name but his entire freaking life story to memory once he gets a chance to talk to him afterwards.

"Thanks Shane." April said quietly, and Jackson watched as her eyes glistened with something that looked suspiciously close to tears.

Then the bell above the exit was tinkling and a gust of wind was making him shiver, and he was watching the door of the bar swing gently shut behind April as she walked off into the night.

Jackson didn't know what came over him, but before he knew it, he had gone after her and was calling her name, looking on as she turned around to look at him, wet tear streaks marring her lovely face. God, she was so happy at what Shane had said she was _crying. _Yep. Definitely committing that kid's life story to memory.

"Jackson?"

Dammit. There's that same inquisitive look on her face again, and he knew he wouldn't be able to stop himself, he just had to…

Two seconds later he was kissing her, his tongue tasting her softly, slowly, as his hands came up to cup her face, his thumb gently wiping away a fresh tear that had managed to escape her eye.

He drew back and watched as she slowly opened her eyes, looking dazed, her lips swollen from his kisses.

"He's right." He said throatily, unable to stop the desire from escaping through his voice.

He saw her lick her lips, her voice coming out faint.

"What…?"

"Shane. He was right. Never forget that."

Jackson walked away from her after that as fast as he could, his whole body screaming at him to go back, go back and kiss her again, make her his, but he knew that he couldn't. He shouldn't. It would just hurt even more, and loving her right now, hurt enough.

Fin.

_So I had been so uninspired lately I honestly thought I won't be writing any Japril ever again, but this just came out of nowhere. Also, I wish they'd do something like this on the show, because how epic would it be if April got the chance to address how her character was irrationally hated on for "getting Shepherd shot" and got to throw it right back in the audience's faces? Oh well...beggars and horses...haha. Hope you guys liked it!_


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